The Other Woman, a Letter From My Heart

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you."  On Children – Kahlil Gibran

An open letter

Dear Mum and Dad of The Other Woman,

When I became pregnant with my boy, I started praying for a perfectly healthy baby. While labouring, my thoughts were on 10 fingers and 10 toes. I fell in love with him the moment he was born. All thoughts of imperfection were gone; he was a perfect miracle in every way, and I stared at him for 2 days, marvelling at this miraculous manifestation from my body. I knew all the other moms were quite envious! Who could’ve thought? My prayers then turned to two things: one, may he never go to the army (in our country, boys were conscripted to do 2 years of military training, fighting a senseless war, but that’s another story), and the other was that he’d be happy.

As you know, the nightmare war ended. My boy grew up, was completely devoted to me, loved me, and thought I was 21 until I turned 34. He believed his Grade 1 teacher was cleverer than I, but not prettier. It wasn’t until he turned 11 that I knew I had competition and started praying for the right girl to come along. I believed that through my prayers I was sending her on the straight-and-narrow path; she’d be almost 8 then, a good age to start praying for her, too. She was lucky; she’d have two mothers devoting much of their prayer time to her. Surely things couldn’t go wrong? My faith took a turn for the worse as he got a little older and his discerning eye went out of focus, but I believe that God will test us and that something good can come from a bad situation. After all, we grow spiritually when things go awry. Fortunately, that was short-lived. As gut-wrenching as it is, I’m not naive; there were probably a few dodgy ones, too. Fortunately, he’s no fool and would’ve seen them for who they were.

During these turbulent years, not many girls were brought home. In my wildest nightmares, I assured myself that he’d come to his senses and, as it’s written, would settle for the girl most like me (of course). He would prove nature right, which is: 1. That boys always marry their mothers; 2. Boys treat women as they would their mothers. It was just a matter of time. The clock ticked as all clocks do, but I had time and faith.

When he decided to spread his wings and fly off into the unknown, I was mortified. Those devil-may-care years in Cape Town were nerve-wracking enough, but I was there to pick up the pieces if need be. Fortunately, my mind was put to rest when I read this: “If You Love Somebody Set Them Free,” which appeared in a book titled “I Ain’t Much Baby—But I’m All I’ve Got” by Jess Lair. These words would become my mantra until I read “be still and know I’m God.” I shut up. God certainly works in mysterious ways. Perfection Personified was getting a tad long in the tooth; did I have reason to worry? “Not really,” I assured myself; boys should only start looking at girls at 30, not a day before.

Eccentricity is a common trait in our family; forewarned is forearmed, so I would be prepared. The eccentric manifestation would reveal itself in good time. And then he emailed with the good news: he was coming home and bringing a girl. I breathed. What sort of girl would love “Pet detective”? They say “dynamite comes in small packages”; it’s true, but he didn't tell us that! Just once, while feeling particularly vulnerable, I asked my beloved what he looks for in a woman, and his response was, “Mom, you know I have an eye for design. Well, I like a good design.” He certainly got it.

I jumped for joy when I saw my gorgeous boy. I hardly noticed the tiny creature beside him, but we were happy and embraced her as one of our own.   Two years have passed since then.

On December 12, 2014, we met “our children” at the airport once again. Through bleary eyes, I spotted her first, your gorgeous girl with navy-blue eyes.

It’s not often we have the chance to observe our children. They’re all grown up now; the time we spend with them is limited by their schedules and busy lives. I was lucky to have three weeks to get to know them again. Living thousands of miles away from one's children certainly has its disadvantages and can never be justified from a mother’s point of view, but I’ve come to terms with it and even grown used to it.

When it comes to our children, the choice of “the girl” is never ours. The choice of a life partner is never ours; we’re just fortunate to be a part of their journey.

I had the pleasure of spending a summer holiday with your daughter. I got to know her a little better, and here’s what I found. She’s brave. She’s undemanding, patient, kind, and loving. She treats everyone around her with respect. She’s intelligent, well-read, and eloquent; she can hold her own in any company. She’s neither intimidating nor will she be intimidated. I’d call her a smart cookie. My boy couldn’t have hoped to spend as much time doing all the things he loves with someone who wasn’t as unselfishly attentive to his needs as she is. She encouraged and egged him on to make the most of this time.

During these three weeks, she happily took part in all the activities thrown her way without complaint. She bravely tried anything new or unfamiliar to her. Africa’s not for sissies, and she stood her ground proudly! She found courage beautifully and often showed her resilience, soldiering on regardless!

I would be a fool to wish for a girl like me when he has this amazing woman in his life. I love the man he’s become because of her; he’s confident, mature, and thoughtful. He’s honed his skills and grown more adventurous with her encouragement and support. There’s an aura of peace and tranquillity about him; he’s happy in his own skin and content. With hindsight, I notice he’s quieted down, and the love and acceptance he now experiences have soothed his spirit.  

Laughter late at night and early in the morning was a joy to hear as they bantered, chattered, and played. Laughter is the best medicine; how blessed he is to have someone who cheers him up. They have opinions, which they voice freely, and they respect each other for it. I hope they never lose their voices. They are equals in the true sense of the word, both intellectually and emotionally. When it comes to quick wit, a good one-liner, and obscure trivia, they’re a match made in heaven. Their conversations are informative, not just meant to fill the silence. They constantly challenge and entertain each other, doing so with charm to great effect.

We spent many hours together, chatting and getting to know each other. I appreciate the time she selflessly spent with me, even though I’m sure she could’ve done a lot better! She loves her family, speaks with awe of her Dad and with love of her Mum. She admires who and what you are and strives to fill those shoes. She’s fun, carefree, and a free spirit. Being responsible, hard-working, single-minded, and conscientious is a feather in her cap, earning her admiration and respect.

We fell in love with her two years ago, and our love for her hasn’t waned. We’re all humbled by the kindness she’s shown my parents and our extended family, and I’m indebted to her for everything she’s done for all of us. She has given my son his first home since leaving home, and for that I’m grateful to her. What's more, she loves that dog!

All my prayers have been answered!

I gladly relinquish my precious boy to her and, without hesitation, release the shackles that bound him to me! Now I can untie the apron strings, fling my arms up, and Jodel! She gives him reason to fly! You did very well with this child. I salute you!

With kindest regards,

The First Lady

NOTE TO SON: This girl loves small, sentimental gestures that keep the romance alive and kicking in your relationship. She appreciates original effort and, in return, can play many roles in a relationship. She is the best friend, surfing partner, race competitor, cheerleader, critic, lover, and fighter, all rolled into one. She is a dynamic and loyal partner.